Not pregnant.

I got this email today-

Unfortunately, your recipient had a negative pregnancy test this morning. :( It looks like there was a sperm issue looking at the number of embryos that were created. But I know you wanted to know the outcome, even if it wasn’t positive. The good news is that they have 2 more embryos to try with and hopefully the second time around will work out for the better. Sorry to give you this news, but you did everything you could and unfortunately, it just doesn’t work out sometimes for one reason of another. Hope all is well, and I’ll keep in touch! Take care.

I'm so disapointed. I feel so sad for the Intended Parents. I can't believe that out of 14 good eggs they only have 2 embryos left. I guess the IF's spermies just didn't like my eggies!

I hope they get pregnant with their next try. It makes me really frustrated that I still got paid even though they may never get their baby. It seems so unfair. The whole infertility thing is so unfair.

Teenagers all over the world have sex just once and get pregnant. And there are loving couples who try for a baby for years and can't get pregnant. How does that make any sense?

How long will it take for Pam and I to have a baby? As excited as I am to start our journey to mommy-hood the emotional roller coaster of it has me terrified. At least we've got love, and that's all you realy need.

Hopefully next month I'll get the good news that THEY have good news.

Post-Op

I had my post-op appointment this morning. I had no idea what to expect. I got to the clinic and they brought me into one of the rooms and said I didn't have to undress. I laughed to Pam that it was the first time I'd been in that room without taking my clothes off. I was weighed and they took my blood pressure and temperature.

The donor coordinator gave me my check and a thank you note and a really pretty beaded bracelet that one of the other coordinators made. When I first saw the gift bag I was hoping it was something from the Intended Parents, I would have really appreciated a small token of thanks from them. I know they gave me $7,000 but I'm sentimental and would have loved to know they thought about me and wanted me to have a tangible reminder of how thankful they are.

Then the doctor came in and I laid down and she felt my stomach in a few places and then said I was fine and not at risk anymore to develop OHSS. She said I can go back to drinking water (YAY!) and taking baths (DOUBLE YAY!!)

Yesterday one of my coworkers asked if I would donate again, if the compensation was worth it all. My answer is that I would donate again if the timing was right, and that the emotional aspect of it was worth so much more than the money. I loved feeling so special and needed. It was such an ego boost to know how important my role was.

And now I'm back to normal.

Comments!

I've gotten a couple of comments and emails from people saying that they've been reading my blog. That's awesome! I always wonder if anyone had found it. I sent the link to my family and friends, so I'm curious if it comes up in searches or what.

Thanks for the comments, and remember to ask questions if you have them! :)

As for me, I'm feeling ok, still a little sore when I walk or stand up and sit down. It's not exactly pain, but it kinda feels like a bruise, if that makes sense. I have had cramps from my period that are 10 times worse than any pain I've felt through this process! I get cramps so bad that I'm writhering in pain and crying and feeling nauseous.

Work was fine yesterday, but I was definitely ready to come home and sit on the couch and play video games! Thank goodness I only work 4 hours right now. The heat has been terrible, it was hard to fall asleep last night because it felt like I was baking to a crisp, I finally had to get up and hold an ice pack to my forehead. I was spread out all over the bed that Pam ended up sleeping on the couch because she didn't want to make me move. Ah, love!

photos!

Pictures from this morning's adventure!

Waiting for the egg retrieval procedure to begin.


Enjoying my juice box...just after waking up. I remember feeling slightly disoriented but can't remember actually waking up. I was shocked how normal I felt, I didn't feel groggy or anything. I was laughing with the nurses and talking with the Dr and to Pam and I really assumed I'd be feeling awful at that point. I was super thirsty and so they gave me some juice.


They insisted on wheeling me out, but I could've walked!


I just took a bunch of medicine: Vicodin for the pain (which isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be...but I've got the meds so I'm taking them!), Doxycycline so I don't get an infection, and Toprol for my heart to stay normal.

It says I have to take the antibiotic with a full glass of water...but my post-op paper says I'm not allowed to drink water. Go figure. And water is the only drink I love! I can't have iced tea either because that's water. Apparently water will go straight to making me bloated and feeling crappy, so I have to go without it.

And anytime I'm not supposed to do or have something I want it even more! Really though, nothing quenches my thirst like water would. I can drink juice and gatorade and ginger ale all day but still feel thirsty. So annoying. But I'm drinking because everyone said too. And I'm peeing so much more than usual. I think I've gone like 8 times today. I was worried at first that it would hurt to go, but nope. I haven't bled at all either, so that's awesome. I took a nap and I've been eating and generally feeling ok. I'm taking tomorrow off to rest some more, and hoping to return to work on Wednesday.

I still can't believe it's all over.

The egg retrieval...

I'm home! It's all done!

The surgery went fine. I started to cry when the nurse was explaining what to do when I walked into the operating room, she said it's a bit intimidating and it was. I gave Pam a hug and saw she was crying too so that got me even more emotional. As we walked into the room the nurse said "Just remember that you are doing something great and helping a couple have a baby!" and I said "I know, and I'm excited but still it's scary!"

Then I laid down on the table and they had me all hooked up with my IV and heart monitor and blood pressure and all that. The Dr said "Ok, I'm giving you the anesthesia now, it's your personal cocktail... maybe a mojito." I said "Nah, how about a Pina Colada?" and they all laughed (there were like 5 people in the room) and then they gave me an oxygen mask and I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew I was back in the recovery room and waving to Pam. She sat down next to me and said "Wow that was so quick."

Less than 20 minutes had past. The nurse asked how I was feeling and I said I was thirsty and kinda felt like I was having cramps. She gave me some pain medication and a juice box. The Dr came over and said I did great and said I told him I was dreaming of eating. LOL! I don't remember that at all but I don't doubt it!! He said they got 23 eggs and from those it looks like 14 are good and will go on to be fertilized. That's a good number, because he said they average about 11.

My heart was fine during the procedure, they said I was a great patient and all my hard work paid off. I said "You guys always make me feel like such a superstar!" and the Dr said "That's because you really are!"

An hour later I got in a wheelchair and we went home. :) Everyone kept thanking me for what I did and said now my job is to take care of myself. The pain is like a slight crampy feeling, but it doesn't go away like cramps do.

But get this- I'm not allowed to drink water!!!! I have to have clear juices or Gatorade, which I hate. It tastes like salt water! And I can't take a bath for 5 DAYS!!!! I'm so upset by that. Showers are fine but no submerging in water. Sucks. Baths are the only thing that makes me feel better!

Although this Vicodin is my new best friend... and I can take 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours. I don't feel any pain at all. They keep warning of feeling nauseous and I have some anti-nausea medication but I feel good right now. I'm under risk of developing Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, but hopefully if anything I'll only get mild symptoms. The highest risk is 6-8 days from now. Basically, even though they took out the eggs from my follicles, they are now filling up with fluid and will stay enlarged until I get my period in a couple of weeks, which is when I go back to completely normal. The bad part is if they fill up with too much fluid too quickly. But I'm closely monitored and not too worried.

Pam's making me potato soup and it smells SO GOOD. She also bought me a cute basket full of Daisies. I love her. The staff at the clinic was saying that maybe the next time they saw us would be when we're trying for a baby. I can't wait to have children and I'm so glad that I was able to donate my eggs and help a couple have children. The money I received is going straight into an ING account labeled "Baby Fund" for us to use once we start our journey to mommy-hood.

And so my part is done, and those eggs are sitting in the lab maturing for a while until they mix in the intended father's sperm and then in a few days they implant an embryo into the intended mother! And hopefully it sticks and she gets pregnant!! I can't wait to find out.

Ovidrel and waiting for the retrieval

The trigger shot last night was fine, no pain at all.

I have a couple of tiny bruises on my belly from the last couple of injections that kinda hurt.

I had more blood drawn today and then spent the rest of the day at home lounging around. I'm getting much more uncomfortable. The heat these last few days has been awful, I sit on the couch wathing TV and sweat. It's gross.

Pam made a nice healthy dinner of lots of veggies. Plus mashed potatoes, my ultimate comfort food.

I want to go to sleep early. I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight...including tomorrow morning! Not even a sip of water. Ugh. So I want to go to sleep and wake up and just go right to the clinic.

I'm feeling nervous and anxious and mostly worried about how I'll be acting tomorrow. I don't want to panic and start crying, but I start to tear up thinking about it! I'm worried about the anesthesia and falling asleep, I wish Pam could be with me, and I want her there when I wake up. I don't know when she will be allowed to come see me and that makes me scared.

I am worried about my recovery, and worried about feeling nauseous.

I think I'll just try to sleep now so it'll just be here and I can stop waiting and worrying. I'm still excited but now there is all this reality of what's about to happen.

Estrogen Levels...

The normal estradiol level for women in my age bracket of 20-29 years old is 149.

Throughout this process and after each day of blood work the clinic calls to tell me about my rising levels, which is a good thing.

I remember them saying I was the 400's, and recently it was around 1,300.

I just got a call that I'm at 2,933.

Holy crap!!!! I'm amazed that my body is going through so much and I feel relatively normal.

Well actually, I feel slightly off, tired and a bit yucky in my tummy. I took a nap which is odd, and woke up feeling groggy and hungry but I don't really feel like eating. Which is also odd for me! But I don't feel ANYTHING like I assumed I would. I thought I'd be having mood swings or hot flashes or at least some side effects. But all I get is an occasional slight headache and I can feel my ovaries thumping around which is getting more uncomfortable each time I stand up and walk around!

I'm doing the Ovidrel HCG shot at 11 pm tonight. The egg retrieval will be at 10 am on Monday morning. I'm relieved that I only have one more injection. Even though they don't hurt (Well, these last ones have hurt a bit, I've been feeling it sting when the medication is injected, but the actual needle doesn't hurt) it's been an emotional roller coaster just to get them done! Thank god for Pam who has truly been so amazingly supportive and an awesome nurse!

My heart is ok enough for the egg retrieval!

Yesterday I had the results of my Holter heart monitor read. Sitting in that waiting room was torture. I was on the verge of tears and trying to prepare myself for the worst, all the while trying my best not to stress out. It was awful. Finally the nurse removed the electrodes and put a rush order on the scan.

Then I went into another room and waited for the Dr.

And I waited. And waited. I think about 20 minutes went by. I was actually pacing back and forth for a while. Finally the Dr. came in and he said that I was pretty much ok. Basically, I'm having PVC's, which is ok and very common at some point in most peoples lives. The issue was trying to figure how many I was having and how often. Hence the 24 hour monitoring.

The results came back saying that I have 9,400 PVC's per day, approximately every 10 minutes. Apparently "it was all trigeminy which is likely benign." The Dr. said in a typical heart patient (old with a history of heart problems and symptoms) 10,000 PVC's would be concerning. But since I am young and in every other regard perfectly healthy, he thinks I'll be fine for deep sedation. He wrote "okay for anesthesia from cardiac perspective."

HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!

He did prescribe a perioperative beta blocker for one week, just to keep my heart happy surrounding the surgery. He also was relieved to hear that it's technically a procedure and not exactly a surgery because I don't get general anesthesia and there are no incisions, so as far as he's concerned there should be no problems.

I went upstairs and gave the fertility clinic the good news, and we made sure I could take the Toprol medication without it interfering.

Today I went in for another ultrasound and more blood tests. And I got super good news. Tonight I give myself the trigger shot of the Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG) and that means I'm all set for the egg retrieval on Monday morning!

This is a picture of my right ovary. The black spots are my enlarged follicles. I forget the exact number, but she was impressed with how many I grew. My left ovary has a lot less, but that's fine. She said I did a great job and now I need to relax at home and take care of my body.


So now I wait for the phone call that will tell me the exact time to do the last shot, and in turn know the exact time the retrieval will be.

It's so egg-citing!

I'm about to go to the cardiologist again to have them evaluate the results that this heart monitor has been recording.

I feel at peace with the fact that I may not get to donate my eggs after all. It saddens me beyond belief, but I always knew there was a slight chance I wouldn't make it to the egg retrieval. All those months ago, signing all those contracts it clearly states that at any time the cycle could be stopped.

I know that this is about my health and well being, and I feel fortunate that everyone is taking that into such consideration.

If I start to think though, I remember the whole reason I signed up in the first place. I wanted to help a complete stranger have a baby. So again, the part that worries me the most is letting her down. Nobody anticipated there would be heart problems associated with this!

I don't know if they've even told her that there are some complications with me. I don't even know if anyone considers it a complication. But the fact is that in a couple hours I will either be cleared for the egg retrieval surgery or we'll have to cancel it completely.

I've been trying so hard to stay calm today. I hope more than anything that the results show that my heart is fine.

But then again, I truly believe that whatever is supposed to happen will, even if it doesn't make sense or isn't what I want.

heart monitor

Well well well.

I went to the cardiologists today. Got to see a really cool ultrasound of my heart. Pam was in the room too and we could see and hear it beating. We could see the valves opening and pushing the blood out.

Apparently it looked good.

Then I had a 12 lead EKG and (first of all, it's EKG or ECG, they are the same but each Dr. calls it whatever they want.) the nurse said it seemed ok.

After that I met with the Dr. and we watched the ultrasound again and he looked over all the results and asked me a bunch of questions. Then he asked what I was there for and I explained I was donating my eggs upstairs and they noticed an irregular heartbeat and referred me here. I said I need clearance before my egg retrieval surgery which is supposed to be this Monday or Tuesday.

He said he can't give me the OK because he didn't have enough time, since everything looked ok, he wants more tests to really check. Then he checked my pulse and said "Ok, I feel it there, but it didn't come up in any tests we've dne yet." So it's coming and going, which he says could be totally normal and no big deal. But he still wanted to have me wait on a list for a heart monitor. He asked if I could call upstairs and ask the fertility clinic if we could push back the surgery a week or two. I just about fell out of the chair. I tried to explain that it's very time sensitive process and didn't work that way.

I started crying, and saying that this is so much bigger than me and that someone was relying on my eggs for their dream to come true and I've been on all these hormone drugs getting my body ready and blah blah blah sniff sniff! And a woman Dr said to hold on, and sure enough a heart monitor was ready at that very moment! What a suspicious miracle. lol.

So she got me all hooked up and I have to wear it for the next 24 hours. This should show how often and when I get the irregular beats, and how long they last. Tomorrow at 3 I bring it in to have the results read, and around 4 the Dr. will be able to see me and hopefully give me good news. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm healthy enough for the retrieval. It's nice that everyone is being so extra careful with my health, but it's also stressing me out a bit.

Doesn't this look like fun?!


Pam fills the syringe with Lupron-


Pam injecting me with Follistim-


My almost full sharps container!


So I guess now I just try to have as much normalcy as possible until I find out what's going on with my heart.

Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

<3

Today was the first day of school. I went to the clinic and had my blood drawn and bruised for the first time. (After about 12 blood draws I'd say that's pretty good!) Then I went to the surgery room and met with the anesthesiologist who was so nice. Everyone at that clinic is amazing, they all make me feel like a million bucks. She had me lay on a bed and hooked me up to an automatic blood pressure machine and put the thingie on my finger and also she put 3 electrodes on my chest to have an ECG.

The machine started beeping and within a few seconds my heart beat pattern printed out.

This is my heartbeat:



This is what a normal heartbeat should look like:



She said I have a heart arrhythmia, which can be totally normal and if there is no history of heart problems it could very well be brought on my stress and anxiety. Both of which I've been experiencing almost nightly due to my injections. Last night I did my Lupron injection with no problem. Then it took me over an hour to do the Follistim injection. I was crying and freaking out and asking Pam for help then yelling at her and telling her to go away and then crying that she left...and after an hour of that we finally had me lay down on the bed and Pam acted like a nurse and just swabbed my belly, pinched, and did it. The second she did it I was fine and back to normal, just sorry for how I had acted. I don't know why sometimes it's so hard for me to do, but as always, the second it's done I'm fine and cursing myself for getting so worked up over nothing.

I'd say that's pretty stressful.

The anesthesiologist also said I was having PVC's, which I looked up:

Premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) are extra, abnormal heartbeats that begin in one of your heart's two lower pumping chambers (ventricles). These extra beats disrupt your regular heart rhythm, which normally starts in the upper right chamber (atrium). As a result, you may feel a flip-flop or skipped beat in your chest. Premature ventricular contractions are very common — they occur in most people at some point.

Why do extra beats occur?
The reasons aren't always clear. Certain triggers, heart diseases or changes in the body can make cells in the ventricles electrically unstable. Underlying heart disease or scarring may also cause electrical impulses to be mis-routed.

Premature ventricular contractions may be associated with:
Chemical changes or imbalances in the body
Certain medications, including common asthma medications
Alcohol or illegal drugs
Increased levels of adrenaline in the body, caused by caffeine, exercise or anxiety
Injury to the heart muscle from coronary artery disease, congenital heart disease, high blood pressure or infections (myocarditis)

So we're hoping it's not an underlying heart problem but just from stress.

I have to get more blood drawn and an ultrasound tomorrow morning, then at 3 I go back to the hospital and meet with a cardiologist to have some more tests done. This time I'll have a 12 electrodes placed on my body, and then I'll get an Echocardiogram.

Echocardiogram: A hand-held device (transducer) placed on your chest uses sound waves to produce images of your heart's size, structure and motion.

If they still need more data, I might have to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours so they can record at what point my heartbeat does what. I started to cry when the anesthesiologist was telling me I had to see a heart doctor. I explained that I don't have health insurance, but it turns out that this falls under the coverage of the plan that the intended parents were required to take for me. So I guess that means they get billed for this, which makes my heart a little sad to think about.

Now. The doctors have been calling me all day to set up this appointment and ask health history questions and all sorts of stuff. But the one thing they keep saying is to calm down and don't stress out.

And I just happened to have one of my most stressful days at work ever...my schedule is all screwy and I was so upset and kept crying. I'm emotional to begin with, but I'm wondering if I'm extra emotional due to the hormones. Either way, it was a crappy day because I found out I don't have the position I've had for the last 3 years...instead I'm going to have to spilt my time all over the place, and after all that I'm still not elegible for benefits!!

The good thing (well, I don't know if it's actually good but I've been waiting for it!) is that I finally for the first time feel something in my ovaries!! As much as the heart thing worries me, I keep thinking it can't be THAT awful if they are still saying to go ahead and stay on track for the egg donation.

The anesthesiologist even said that the next time she'd see me it would be for the retrieval surgery. So that's awesome. Apparently they aren't too alarmed, and are just being extra cautious for my own safety, which makes me feel really good.

When I walk I feel a dull thud in my lower stomach, on alternating sides and with each step. I can only imagine it's my growing follicles that are enlarging my ovaries and I'm so glad I can feel it! It's supposed to get pretty uncomfortable in a few days, I'm 6 days away from the surgery and by then I should be ready for them to take the eggies out!

Right now it's not bad at all, in fact I feel pretty good considering everything.

My Heart

Went to the clinic this morning for some blood tests and an ultrasound. A nurse checked my weight and blood pressure and then checked my pulse. She asked if I have an irregular heart beat and I said no.

Because I don't.

Then the doctor came in and listened to my breathing and heart and she paused and asked if I have a heart murmur. And I said, "Not that I know of, but the nurse said the same thing?"

So she listened some more and said there is definitely an irregular beat. Then she asked if I had breakfast, and I said no. I asked what was wrong and she said probably nothing, but I should speak to my healthcare provider. I explained that my health insurance ran out and she said that she will talk to the other doctors there and figure out what I should do, if anything.

Then she said that I just might have to get it checked out before the surgery because the anesthesiologist have to be sure my heart can handle being slowed down.

And apparently my heart is beating slowly.

Then she did the ultrasound and I got to see the follicles my body is growing. Everything looks good, she said they are still small but I should start feeling something in a couple of days.

I left and sat in my car and called Pam. Then I hung up the phone and felt my pulse on my wrist. And there it was.

beat, beat, beat, beat, ....., be, BEAT, beat, beat, beat, beat, ....., ....., BEAT

It seems normal then all of a sudden it stops beating, then it does a tiny barely there beat, followed by a bigger faster beat. And it continues on like that, but not in a pattern. There can be 3 regular beats then the pause, or 10 regular beats then the pause.

WTF?!

Where did that come from and how long has it been doing that?! How does that come out of nowhere?! I totally freaked out and called Pam back and started crying. It feels really creepy to feel your heart stop beating for a second.

I came home and started researching online and found that a typical person's hear beats 60-100 times per minute. I checked mine and it just barely made 60 beats. Tried again and got 64. Tried again and got 62.

Bradycardia is defined as a heart rate less than 60 beats per minute although it is seldom symptomatic until below 50 bpm.

So, I guess I'm ok? Ugh. I wasn't expecting heart problems!!

Follistim and my birthday.

Had another hard time with the Lupron injection, we were staying in a hotel in SF for our 5 year anniversary so we brought a cooler with us. We had a great day at the Exploratorium museum, and a delicious dinner, and went back to the hotel to change and get ready to go to a concert. I was going to quickly inject myself but I froze up again. I knew we were in a rush and I think that made it worse, but after about 10 minutes I did it. I wish I could figure out why some times are harder than others.

That morning we went to the clinic and I had an ultrasound and blood drawn and they called and said everything was looking good and now I'm on the next step! So last night I reduced my Lupron from 10 to 5, and then gave myself 225 units of Follistim. That Follistim Pen is intense. The instruction booklet is easy to follow though, and we had practiced at the clinic but still, it's a bit intimidating. I took a couple of minutes to do it but then I was done and it's pretty much as easy as the Lupron.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I kept trying to feel if anything was different yet. I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. I feel like there should be something changing...I mean, I know there is inside of me, but I keep waiting to actually notice it. I'm sure once I do I'll wish I didn't though!

Today is my 26th birthday.

I feel good, tired, but I think it's from staying up so late. (I was up till midnight, which for me is very late!!) And I kinda almost think I feel something. I got my period 2 days ago, it's light but I still had my normal awful cramps the first day. But today I feel like there are almost tiny waves of cramp-like feelings.

We're going out for an early dinner with a bunch of frieds and then dessert, hopefully at the Fondue place. I'm going to take the cooler with me again and leave it in the car just in case we don't make it back home in time. The night of the concert I spoke with the doctor and she said it's fine to take the injections an hour or so earlier or later than the target time. I still try to aim for 9pm.

I'm scheduled for the egg retrieval on August 26th. That's in only 10 days!

Video clip of my Lupron Injection...

A short little video update!



Dude, check out that awesome roll of belly I can grab on to! Thank goodness for layers of fat to keep the injections painless!

(P.S. I'm back to counting calories as soon as this is over. lol...)

This is getting so much easier!

Both last night and tonight's injections took less than 2 minutes to do. We went out for ice cream and while standing in line my reminder alarm went off and I realized we had to get home! (Don't worry- we had time to get our ice cream!!)

I walked in the door and got the needle ready and warmed up to room temperature and then BAM! All done! I even let Pam watch.

Nothing to it. ;)

Tonight's Lupron Injection...

...Took place in a bathroom stall during a wedding reception!

We were about to leave and get home in time to do it, but the bride asked us to stay a few more minutes so we did. I went into the bathroom and held up my dress, and Pam was in the stall next to me going potty. Then as she flushed the toilet I did it. Lol. And it was nothing. Just like the others. So easy. Took less than 2 minutes this time.

I'm finally getting the hang of it I think! But I should have held the syringe in my hand a bit longer because it was still a little cold so I felt the liquid going in as I pushed it. So this was the first time I think that I didn't cry. It seems so silly but I'm just being truthful!

Yay for me! :)

#4!

Last night I finally was able to do it myself! It took a while... I get so worked up about it and then I want to punch myself in the head. I know it's not a big deal, but I have these mini panic attacks and I felt like throwing up and I kept shaking.

Really it's a bit dramatic. Pam was getting frustrated that I was taking so long, I think we were in the bathroom for 30 minutes. And then I did it. And it was done and all was fine.

I really really hope it's easier now, though tonight we'll be at a wedding so I'm not sure how that'll work...I guess we'll just take the filled syringe and keep it in a cooler in the car until its time?

Injection #3...

...wasn't easy either.

I wanted so badly to do it on my own. I tried for about 10 minutes but broke down and asked Pam for help. This time I held the needle and counted and her hand was over mine to help make sure I did it. It hurt a tiny tiny bit, but I think it's because we went in kind of slow.

I don't know when I'll be able to do it by myself but I hope it's soon. I get so stressed out thinking about it that when it's finally time I think I'm just a ball of nerves. But I don't even know why! I'm an emotional mess.

Injection #2...

...wasn't any easier.

I practiced on a lime. I watched countless You Tube videos of women all over injecting themselves. I was convinced that I could do it.

But I couldn't.

I don't know what is wrong with me!! You know that moment of pulling off a band-aid and you know you just have to do it quickly because it will hurt but only for a bit and you just need to DO IT ALREADY!

Well this is so much easier, I know it doesn't hurt. There is hardly any feeling at all. But I'm having the hardest time!! I have the needle and I'm ready to go, but then my hand hovers a few inches from my pinched flesh and I just can't. I just can't! It's awful. I had Pam waiting outside while I tried to do it on my own and after a few minutes I had to call her in to do it for me and I started crying. I feel like such a loser because I know I can do it. I really do. But I just need to get over the mental block that is stopping me.

Pam did it and again it was painless and no big deal. It's over so quickly and so easy. It's so wierd because I'm not afraid, I just freeze up and can't make my hand do what I'm telling it to do! Then I beat myself up for being such a baby but in reality THIS IS CRAZY!!! I mean really! This is totaly insane.

But I signed up for this and it's really only the begining so I need to figure out what's going on in my head quickly. I wish I knew that other people struggled with this too.

I will try again tomorrow. I know it's great that I have Pam to help me, but I don't want to rely on her for this. I need to know that I can do it on my own.

I did it! Sorta...

Ok. 9:00 pm is my target time for my nightly injections of Lupron.

At 8:30 both Pam and I were anxious to do it. We decided to play video games for a bit to pass time.

8:55, I say it's time to get ready. We opened the tiny bottle and got the needle all set. Cleaned a spot of my tummy with an alcohol pad. Then it was time.

Pam handed me the syringe and I pinched the spot.

10 minutes later still holding the needle I started to cry. I knew I was just freaking myself out and it wasn't a big deal, I was nervous and having a minor breakdown. I mean, it's just not normal to stick yourself with a sharp object.

Everything in my body was saying I was insane. I tried to remember that somewhere there is a woman who is counting on me to do this so that her dreams can come true.

Pam was wonderful, so supportive and saying all the right things. "I'm so proud of you! You are doing something amazing."

5 minutes later I finally tried to do it. I stuck the needle in, but got scared and pulled away, resulting in a tiny hole and a drop of blood. Got freaked out even more that it was going to be harder than I even thought.

More tears, lots of position changes. Standing, sitting on couch, then I tried sitting on the bed. Gave Pam the needle and she gave me a pep talk. My hand was cramping up from pinching my belly fat for so long. We had to re-alcohol the area.

At 9:22 Pam did it. She did one quick "dart like motion" jab and it worked. It didn't even hurt a tiny bit. She depressed the stopper and voila! All done. Really, there was NO pain at all! I wouldn't have even believed the needle was in me if I didn't see it.

And now it's done. Only it's really just the begining. I think just getting over that first hurdle was the hardest part. Now I know it doesn't hurt, and I know Pam can do it if I can bring myself to. But I think I can. I know if she wasn't around I could do it myself, but I'm glad she's here! :)