cramps!

I got my period last night finally. I was beginning to wonder why I hadn't gotten it yet. And with it came terrible awful cramps. Last night we were trying to finish moving boxes to our new apartment and start cleaning, and when we got home I was in such bad pain. Plus I had some heart burn that was really annoying. I went to bed early. I must have tossed and turned all night long because Pam was sleeping on the couch when I woke up.

Then the cramps started all over again. I haven't felt cramps this bad in a long time. I couldn't even get out of bed. But I did. Then I took a bath and felt much better, a nice hot bath always works. I got dressed and ready for Hawaiian Day at school but I kept having to crouch down on the floor and double over on the couch because I was just about ready to die from the pain. I started crying and felt like I was going to puke. So I called out of work. I feel terrible, absolutely terrible because today was the day we really needed to be at the old apartment to clean and get it ready for the move out inspection, but I just couldn't go because Pam had the car and I felt so awful.

I hate cramps.

We went camping for the 3-day weekend. Finished the last of our antibiotic, yay! I should be getting my period any second now and letting the clinic know when I do and then I'll start the new bc pack on the 3rd day.

That's about all!

antibiotic

Yesterday morning Pam and I started our "twice a day for 7 days" antibiotic pills- Doxycycline.

We left the house and carpooled to work. Stopped at Jamba Juice to get some breakfast. While I waited for my smoothie all of a sudden I was hit with nausea. Bad. I was looking around the store wondering where I'd go if I had to puke. Then they called my name and I got my drink and I walked out to the car. I wanted so badly to throw it away because the thought of eating was making me feel sicker. I sat down and waited for Pam who was in Starbucks. I ate a few bites of my pretzel but was feeling so terrible. Pam got to the car and I told her how I was feeling. Sat there for about 20 minutes and finally asked her to drive me back home. Called work and said I couldn't come in.

It was terrible! The pills directions said to take without food, but forget that! I had an appointment at the clinic for an ultrasound to check out the myterious cramps I've been having, and when I told them how sick the antibiotic made me they said to take it with a modest meal of bread or crackers. So for dinner Pam and I ate a huge meal and then took the pills and were fine. Same with breakfast this morning.

So far so good.

The ultrasound came out normal. Everything looked fine, and they basically said it's just a mysterious case of stomach pains. Typical for me! Doctors never seem to be able to diagnose me.

We moved into a new apartment this last weekend and today we finally have internet and cable! Amazing how lost we were without it. :)

august

The clinic called this morning. They are going to delay the cycle for me so that it happens in August. She said the recipient couple is totally going to understand and no worries! I am so happy. I emailed my summer camp director and gave her the good news that now we're back to normal!

schedule change

I got this email today:

One of your cultures came back with a bacterium (it's very common and not something to be worried about). But both you and your partner need to take an antibiotic to treat the bacteria. Also, please call the clinic because we need to inform you of a change in your cycle plan.

:(

I'm totally unphased by the bacteria problem, having health care is awesome! I was all worried that I threw off the cycle but apparently something is up with the IM (Intended Mother) and her birth control pills, so they have to wait on her to start her period naturally before trying with the BC again.

Then they told me that the cycle will have to be pushed back by "about 2-3 weeks" and I just about started crying. I asked if there is any way they know for sure what dates, and of course they don't, which I understand. But I just finally got that whole week off from camp and dealt with that issue, and now I need to tell them to scratch that, and I might need a different week off but I don't know when. UGH!!!

So I sent this email to the clinic:

I wasn't sure which one of you to email so I figured I'd send it to both of you! I've been having some slight pain, it almost feels like cramps, but not quite. It comes and goes very quickly. Actually, it almost feels like gas, but it isn't. Not sure if its a side effect of the BC pill. I'd say it's been going on for about a week, and it's not bad, but I thought I should mention it!

Also, I'm concerned about the timing of the cycle now that its going to be pushed back. I'm worried that it will have a negative impact on my summer camp job. I need to have energy and be able to run around with the kids, because I'm the Outdoors Leader and it's a very active position. When I requested time off I was unexpectedly met with some resistance, and it was really a tough time for me. I love my camp job! (It's a day camp, not a sleep away camp.)

But we got it smoothed out, and they found someone to cover me for a full week. And now I'm not sure what to say since I don't know the actual dates I'll need off now. My commitment to FPNC and the Intended Parents comes first. I am so excited to be a part of this process!! But I'm really worried about how taking hormones and needing to "take it easy" as it gets closer to the egg retrieval date will effect my performance. My last day of camp is August 1st, and then I have pretty much the entire month of August off. So if there is any way to push back the date to coincide with that it would be really great. I know this whole thing is so much bigger than just my schedule, and I'm really disappointed that my job is being difficult!

It's the uncertainty of timing and the fact that I won't be able to give 110% at camp for a few days and also that camp is only 7 weeks long so missing any time is a real bummer. Something I'm totally willing to do, the cycle is the number 1 thing on my mind and most important thing. But I thought I'd ask if maybe we could schedule it to happen in mid or late August. When I signed up to be a donor I assumed it would happen during the year at my normal job, where I get paid days off, not when I'm contracted to work the full duration of camp and required to bring all the energy I can muster up!

I'm terribly afraid to disappoint anyone, but I feel like my position at camp is in jeopardy and if I can't be the best I can be at camp then it makes it a challenge for me to work there, and that devastates me! When I realized the 2nd week of camp was when I was scheduled for the retrieval, I thought it would be fine because then I'd have the last 5 weeks of camp to be back to normal. But now that's changed and I just don't know how to go about this.

Please let me know if there is anything we can do. If not, it's fine, I will find a way to make it work. What it all boils down to is the Intended Parents- I fully understand that this is all about them!!

I'm so bummed out about all of this. I know this is a serious commitment, and I know things can change at any time, but it's really unfortunate that it's going to interupt my camp job. I don't know if there is any flexibility for me to request a date change, but hopefully so.

Then again, it pains me to think of the IM and how heartbreaking it would be to hear that the donor needs the date changed!! I want so badly for her to be happy and comfortable with this already so daunting process.

I guess I'll just have see what they say.

My letter to the Intended Parents

Hello!

I've been wanting so badly to write to you, but I wasn't sure it would be allowed. And now that I've been given the go-ahead, I find myself at a loss for words. But at the same time, I have so much that I want to say to you! I’ve been trying to figure out for a few days what to write to you...

First of all, thank you so much for selecting me to be your egg donor. You have no idea how much this means to me. When they called me to say I had been matched I almost cried I was so excited! Immediately my thoughts turned to you, and I haven’t stopped thinking about you since. I wonder what your fertility journey has been like, if you have any children already, and if your family is as supportive as mine is with regards to egg donation/IVF. I think about your hopes and dreams for the future, and I’m so proud that I get to help you create the family you long for.

I want you to know that I’m taking this very seriously, and that I hope you don’t have a doubt in your mind about choosing me! I want so badly for this work, and I truly believe that it will. I’ve been doing a lot of reading online about the relationships between egg donors and the intended parents, and one issue that keeps coming up is that a lot of women seem to want some sort of contact with their egg donor. So I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I’m here if you have any questions at all. I’m very open with my thoughts and feelings, so feel free to use that to your advantage!

I feel like we are living these oddly parallel lives, yet are complete strangers. I find myself smiling even more than usual, just in case you happen to recognize me while I’m out somewhere. I’m making sure to take care of my body so that the eggs I produce are healthy and everything you need them to be. I don’t know if you plan on telling the child about the miracle of their conception, and it is obviously your right to do whatever you believe is best. I trust that you will be wonderful loving parents, which is all any child really needs!

When I tell people what I’m doing, they have a million questions, mostly surrounding my desire to participate in the first place. I go on to explain that I’ve known for a while that I wanted the chance to do this, and that there is no greater gift that I can think of giving. I know that one day I will understand a little bit more what it’s like to be in your shoes, as I turn to a sperm donor to help me conceive. I already struggle with wondering if I’ll choose an anonymous or known donor, and in that regard I can understand how you might feel towards me.

Please don’t feel like you are obligated to respond to this email, I hope I didn’t catch you off guard or make you uncomfortable in any way! I just wanted to send you a sort of virtual hug, a way for you to get a better sense of what this all means to me. I am so excited for you and your husband, and when I saw your “Intended Parents” signatures on my copy of the contract it all became so very real. It gave me goosebumps to think that we both sat in that same office.

I could probably go on forever, but I wanted to keep this short and sweet. My thoughts and best wishes are with you, and I hope this email finds you as excited and hopeful as I am.

Cramps?

I wrote a long update a couple of days ago but blogger got all wierd and gave me an error message. I was so upset and didn't feel like writing it all over again. Now I forget what I even wanted to say.

I feel like I've been having some very minor cramps. Not sure if it's just in my head though.

As far as the date of the retrieval and missing work, I've been given an entire week off from camp, so I bet that's probably a good thing.

May is a busy month for me. Lots of birthdays and mother's day and all that. I was at Hallmark buying cards and I wanted so badly to send a card to the Intended Mother. So I went home and wrote this email to the clinic-

Hello again!

I was wondering if there is any way I could send a brief "hello" note with good luck/encouragement/happy vibes to the Intended Mother. I know this process is annonymous, but I really would love a way to convey to her that I am so excited and hopeful, and I have her in my thoughts every single day. If that's not allowed I completely understand. I figured it doesn't hurt to ask!

Thanks,
Katy


I got this reply-

Hi Katy!

You can definitely send a message to your recipients. I’m sure they would love to hear positive thoughts from you. What you can do is email me your message to her, and I can then send it along to her via email. That way you will remain anonymous. Thanks for your thoughtfulness. It will mean a lot to them!

I am so happy about that! Now I need to figure out exactly what I want to say. I would love love LOVE a reply from them, but I have to keep reminding myself that they must not want to know me because although the process is anoymous, if both parties agree they can meet.

But emails are harmless right? Couldn't the mother and I become email buddies? I feel like we're leading these parallel lives but we're complete strangers. It's so odd to me.

missing work

So far everything is going great, I know I'm only a couple of days into it, and I'm not anticipating a huge change or anything, but surely eventually I'll notice what I'm doing! :)

One hurdle I need to jump over is my summer camp job. Unfortunately, when I signed up with the Donor Agency it didn't cross my mind that the process might happen over summer. When they called and asked if I was available in April, I explained that I was getting married in Hawaii and totally willing to begin if it was ok with them. They said they were sure it would be ok, but that it was also ok to wait until we got back in town. So we decided to begin on April 28th.

Pam is the one who noticed that it would be all happening during summer camp. So when I knew the date of the egg retrieval I called my camp director immediately to fill her in. I explained that I was donating my eggs and that I'd need June 24th off and the following day as well to recover. I also brought up the fact that since I've never done this before and I don't know how my body will handle it, that I might need a few more days off.

I assumed this conversation would go one way, and by the time I hung up the phone I was really concerned that it went the other way.

I love camp. And the camp that I work at is AMAZING. This will be my 3rd summer returning. (It's a day camp, not a typical sleep away camp.) And it just so happened that the hospital is right on my way to camp, which I'm thinking will be awesome for when I need to get blood drawn before work.

But my camp director brought up some valid concerns about my physical and mental state for the first 2 weeks of camp. Since I've never been on hormones or had my ovaries inflate to the size of oranges (as opposed to their normal "golf ball" size) I have no idea what I'll be like.

I feel confident that I'll still be able to give 110% at camp. I'm not anticipating this process as having a negative impact on my performance at all. I hate that I'll have to miss a few days. Camp is only 7 weeks long and it's a bummer that this is happening during that time.

But HELLO! Let's look at the big picture. There is a loving couple out there. Perhaps even somewhere in my neighborhood! There is a woman who has probably had her heart broken a million times while she tried to get pregnant. And that woman wants me to help her. ME!! What an ego boost! This is life changing. Not only for the parents-to-be, but for me.

I'm doing something so huge and important that when I worry about missing a few days of work and that other staff members might frown on me because of it, I need to remind myself that this is about life. This is about me bringing a life into this world. A little baby who will turn into a child and maybe even cross my path some day. Or possibly be enrolled as a camper at my camp 6 years down the line!

The point is that I know this is such a meaningful thing that I'm doing. And if other people don't see that, or understand, then there is nothing I can do about it and it doesn't change how devoted I am.