Tonight's Lupron Injection...

...Took place in a bathroom stall during a wedding reception!

We were about to leave and get home in time to do it, but the bride asked us to stay a few more minutes so we did. I went into the bathroom and held up my dress, and Pam was in the stall next to me going potty. Then as she flushed the toilet I did it. Lol. And it was nothing. Just like the others. So easy. Took less than 2 minutes this time.

I'm finally getting the hang of it I think! But I should have held the syringe in my hand a bit longer because it was still a little cold so I felt the liquid going in as I pushed it. So this was the first time I think that I didn't cry. It seems so silly but I'm just being truthful!

Yay for me! :)

#4!

Last night I finally was able to do it myself! It took a while... I get so worked up about it and then I want to punch myself in the head. I know it's not a big deal, but I have these mini panic attacks and I felt like throwing up and I kept shaking.

Really it's a bit dramatic. Pam was getting frustrated that I was taking so long, I think we were in the bathroom for 30 minutes. And then I did it. And it was done and all was fine.

I really really hope it's easier now, though tonight we'll be at a wedding so I'm not sure how that'll work...I guess we'll just take the filled syringe and keep it in a cooler in the car until its time?

Injection #3...

...wasn't easy either.

I wanted so badly to do it on my own. I tried for about 10 minutes but broke down and asked Pam for help. This time I held the needle and counted and her hand was over mine to help make sure I did it. It hurt a tiny tiny bit, but I think it's because we went in kind of slow.

I don't know when I'll be able to do it by myself but I hope it's soon. I get so stressed out thinking about it that when it's finally time I think I'm just a ball of nerves. But I don't even know why! I'm an emotional mess.

Injection #2...

...wasn't any easier.

I practiced on a lime. I watched countless You Tube videos of women all over injecting themselves. I was convinced that I could do it.

But I couldn't.

I don't know what is wrong with me!! You know that moment of pulling off a band-aid and you know you just have to do it quickly because it will hurt but only for a bit and you just need to DO IT ALREADY!

Well this is so much easier, I know it doesn't hurt. There is hardly any feeling at all. But I'm having the hardest time!! I have the needle and I'm ready to go, but then my hand hovers a few inches from my pinched flesh and I just can't. I just can't! It's awful. I had Pam waiting outside while I tried to do it on my own and after a few minutes I had to call her in to do it for me and I started crying. I feel like such a loser because I know I can do it. I really do. But I just need to get over the mental block that is stopping me.

Pam did it and again it was painless and no big deal. It's over so quickly and so easy. It's so wierd because I'm not afraid, I just freeze up and can't make my hand do what I'm telling it to do! Then I beat myself up for being such a baby but in reality THIS IS CRAZY!!! I mean really! This is totaly insane.

But I signed up for this and it's really only the begining so I need to figure out what's going on in my head quickly. I wish I knew that other people struggled with this too.

I will try again tomorrow. I know it's great that I have Pam to help me, but I don't want to rely on her for this. I need to know that I can do it on my own.

I did it! Sorta...

Ok. 9:00 pm is my target time for my nightly injections of Lupron.

At 8:30 both Pam and I were anxious to do it. We decided to play video games for a bit to pass time.

8:55, I say it's time to get ready. We opened the tiny bottle and got the needle all set. Cleaned a spot of my tummy with an alcohol pad. Then it was time.

Pam handed me the syringe and I pinched the spot.

10 minutes later still holding the needle I started to cry. I knew I was just freaking myself out and it wasn't a big deal, I was nervous and having a minor breakdown. I mean, it's just not normal to stick yourself with a sharp object.

Everything in my body was saying I was insane. I tried to remember that somewhere there is a woman who is counting on me to do this so that her dreams can come true.

Pam was wonderful, so supportive and saying all the right things. "I'm so proud of you! You are doing something amazing."

5 minutes later I finally tried to do it. I stuck the needle in, but got scared and pulled away, resulting in a tiny hole and a drop of blood. Got freaked out even more that it was going to be harder than I even thought.

More tears, lots of position changes. Standing, sitting on couch, then I tried sitting on the bed. Gave Pam the needle and she gave me a pep talk. My hand was cramping up from pinching my belly fat for so long. We had to re-alcohol the area.

At 9:22 Pam did it. She did one quick "dart like motion" jab and it worked. It didn't even hurt a tiny bit. She depressed the stopper and voila! All done. Really, there was NO pain at all! I wouldn't have even believed the needle was in me if I didn't see it.

And now it's done. Only it's really just the begining. I think just getting over that first hurdle was the hardest part. Now I know it doesn't hurt, and I know Pam can do it if I can bring myself to. But I think I can. I know if she wasn't around I could do it myself, but I'm glad she's here! :)

It's almost time!

So today's visit was easy. I almost started crying when I was talking to the Dr. and she asked if I was feeling overwhelmed when I saw all the medicine. But it would have been a "I'm happy you know how I feel and I'm just nervous" sort of cry.

It was nice to have Pam there with me. She got to have a front row seat when the Dr. put the speculum in me and took a culture for the FDA. Later when I was putting my clothes back on I asked if she took a peek but she said she looked away. lol. Then I said "Why?! It's just vagina!" And she said "Yeah, I'm not all that interested in vagina."

It was hilarious. I told her I'd have to write that down. lol. So then we go sit with the donor coordinator who is super nice and she was going over all the directions for the injections and we were laughing and having a grand old time. Then I got to practice and ask a million questions.

She left the room to get something and I asked to look at the vagina model that was sitting on the counter behind her. So she picked it up and it broke off of the stand and she said "I've never broken a vagina before!" Lot's of laughs.

Me and the Vag-


I'll update again later tonight in about an hour!

Getting nervous...

Tomorrow Pam and I are going to the clinic so I can get some more lab work done and more importantly to have a lesson on how to inject myself.

I'm nervous. I'll admit it.

It's the not knowing that is killing me. Not knowing how much it will hurt, not knowing how my body will react, not knowing if in the end all this won't be in vain.

I have butterflies in my tummy. I wonder if I'll sleep well tonight.

I had an interview today for an afterschool position that I hope I get. The first day of school happens to be the date set for the egg retrieval. I'm not sure how I'll bring that up if I get the job. I suppose I'll just say I have surgery scheduled for then.

We'll see.