Injection #3...

...wasn't easy either.

I wanted so badly to do it on my own. I tried for about 10 minutes but broke down and asked Pam for help. This time I held the needle and counted and her hand was over mine to help make sure I did it. It hurt a tiny tiny bit, but I think it's because we went in kind of slow.

I don't know when I'll be able to do it by myself but I hope it's soon. I get so stressed out thinking about it that when it's finally time I think I'm just a ball of nerves. But I don't even know why! I'm an emotional mess.

Injection #2...

...wasn't any easier.

I practiced on a lime. I watched countless You Tube videos of women all over injecting themselves. I was convinced that I could do it.

But I couldn't.

I don't know what is wrong with me!! You know that moment of pulling off a band-aid and you know you just have to do it quickly because it will hurt but only for a bit and you just need to DO IT ALREADY!

Well this is so much easier, I know it doesn't hurt. There is hardly any feeling at all. But I'm having the hardest time!! I have the needle and I'm ready to go, but then my hand hovers a few inches from my pinched flesh and I just can't. I just can't! It's awful. I had Pam waiting outside while I tried to do it on my own and after a few minutes I had to call her in to do it for me and I started crying. I feel like such a loser because I know I can do it. I really do. But I just need to get over the mental block that is stopping me.

Pam did it and again it was painless and no big deal. It's over so quickly and so easy. It's so wierd because I'm not afraid, I just freeze up and can't make my hand do what I'm telling it to do! Then I beat myself up for being such a baby but in reality THIS IS CRAZY!!! I mean really! This is totaly insane.

But I signed up for this and it's really only the begining so I need to figure out what's going on in my head quickly. I wish I knew that other people struggled with this too.

I will try again tomorrow. I know it's great that I have Pam to help me, but I don't want to rely on her for this. I need to know that I can do it on my own.

I did it! Sorta...

Ok. 9:00 pm is my target time for my nightly injections of Lupron.

At 8:30 both Pam and I were anxious to do it. We decided to play video games for a bit to pass time.

8:55, I say it's time to get ready. We opened the tiny bottle and got the needle all set. Cleaned a spot of my tummy with an alcohol pad. Then it was time.

Pam handed me the syringe and I pinched the spot.

10 minutes later still holding the needle I started to cry. I knew I was just freaking myself out and it wasn't a big deal, I was nervous and having a minor breakdown. I mean, it's just not normal to stick yourself with a sharp object.

Everything in my body was saying I was insane. I tried to remember that somewhere there is a woman who is counting on me to do this so that her dreams can come true.

Pam was wonderful, so supportive and saying all the right things. "I'm so proud of you! You are doing something amazing."

5 minutes later I finally tried to do it. I stuck the needle in, but got scared and pulled away, resulting in a tiny hole and a drop of blood. Got freaked out even more that it was going to be harder than I even thought.

More tears, lots of position changes. Standing, sitting on couch, then I tried sitting on the bed. Gave Pam the needle and she gave me a pep talk. My hand was cramping up from pinching my belly fat for so long. We had to re-alcohol the area.

At 9:22 Pam did it. She did one quick "dart like motion" jab and it worked. It didn't even hurt a tiny bit. She depressed the stopper and voila! All done. Really, there was NO pain at all! I wouldn't have even believed the needle was in me if I didn't see it.

And now it's done. Only it's really just the begining. I think just getting over that first hurdle was the hardest part. Now I know it doesn't hurt, and I know Pam can do it if I can bring myself to. But I think I can. I know if she wasn't around I could do it myself, but I'm glad she's here! :)

It's almost time!

So today's visit was easy. I almost started crying when I was talking to the Dr. and she asked if I was feeling overwhelmed when I saw all the medicine. But it would have been a "I'm happy you know how I feel and I'm just nervous" sort of cry.

It was nice to have Pam there with me. She got to have a front row seat when the Dr. put the speculum in me and took a culture for the FDA. Later when I was putting my clothes back on I asked if she took a peek but she said she looked away. lol. Then I said "Why?! It's just vagina!" And she said "Yeah, I'm not all that interested in vagina."

It was hilarious. I told her I'd have to write that down. lol. So then we go sit with the donor coordinator who is super nice and she was going over all the directions for the injections and we were laughing and having a grand old time. Then I got to practice and ask a million questions.

She left the room to get something and I asked to look at the vagina model that was sitting on the counter behind her. So she picked it up and it broke off of the stand and she said "I've never broken a vagina before!" Lot's of laughs.

Me and the Vag-


I'll update again later tonight in about an hour!

Getting nervous...

Tomorrow Pam and I are going to the clinic so I can get some more lab work done and more importantly to have a lesson on how to inject myself.

I'm nervous. I'll admit it.

It's the not knowing that is killing me. Not knowing how much it will hurt, not knowing how my body will react, not knowing if in the end all this won't be in vain.

I have butterflies in my tummy. I wonder if I'll sleep well tonight.

I had an interview today for an afterschool position that I hope I get. The first day of school happens to be the date set for the egg retrieval. I'm not sure how I'll bring that up if I get the job. I suppose I'll just say I have surgery scheduled for then.

We'll see.

Medication Grab Bag!

I wasn't sure what to expect when I opened the box of medications that was delivered this morning. I knew I'd be taking a few different medicines, but seeing everything all together in the box was a bit overwhelming. I guess I didn't realize it was all coming at the same time. I think I thought I'd be going to the clinic and they'd give me some stuff. But nope, it all came today!



Here's a list of what I recieved, and what it's used for:

-Follistim
(Follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is used to stimulate a follicle (egg) to develop and mature. It is used when a woman desires pregnancy and her ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is not sufficient to make the follicle mature. Follicle stimulating hormone is also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.)

-Ovidrel
(Human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) is a hormone that supports the normal development of an egg in a woman's ovary, and stimulates the release of the egg during ovulation.)

-Leuprolide Acetate
(Lupron is a synthetic version of the naturally occurring gonadotropin releasing hormone (GnRH). Lupron suppresses shedding of the endometrium (lining of the uterus) during menstruation.)

-Promethegan
(Preoperative, postoperative, or obstetric sedation. Prevention and control of nausea and vomiting associated with certain types of anesthesia and surgery. Therapy for control of postoperative pain. Sedation in both children and adults, as well as relief of apprehension and production of light sleep from which the patient can be easily aroused.)

-Doxycycline
(A tetracycline antibiotic. It works by slowing the growth of bacteria. Slowing bacteria's growth allows the body's immune system to destroy the bacteria.)

-a generic brand of Vicodin
-a pack of syringes
-and a biohazard sharps container

Pretty intense! I had to put about half of that in the fridge to keep it cold. Looks like this is finally turning out to be very real. I'm so anxious to get started.

Long time no update!

Everything has been on pause for a while because of summer camp. Thank goodness we were able to hold off until August, because camp drains every ounce of energy out of me and consumes my entire life for 7 weeks!

Today I went to the clinic for a baseline ultrasound. I was told that my ovaries look great (such a wonderful complement...lol) and that we are all set to begin on August 5th!! Pam and I have an appointment to go in that Tuesday and do some FDA testing and injection training.

That's 11 days away and I can't wait! When I saw the Dr. today she said, "You must be so excited to get started!" and I told her how much I was looking forward to August 5th.

They are overnight shipping me the medications. I have to be home tomorrow between 9-11 am to get the package because its time sensitive and needs to be kept in the fridge.

Ok, I'm off to play Rock Band!